Never him
by FugitiveJuliana
Summary: Alec is pretending to be Max's boyfriend for the sake of Logan. But how long will he be able to endure her using him?
1. Chapter 1

He said it himself: he always went for the girls he couldn't get

He said it himself: he always went for the girls he couldn't get. And he said it to her, no less, while she was sitting in his lap.

Alec sometimes questioned his sanity. More often still he wondered whether he had a death wish. Because that was what being around Max was like. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn't. He knew if she found out that would be the end of him, but he just couldn't help it, he kept saying things like that, things that would make it clear to anyone but Max how he felt. Like his lame attempt at making Max jealous when he got shot saving the mermaid and he asked Asha to clean the wound. As if Max could ever care enough to be jealous.

Alec sighed in bed. He'd woken up minutes ago but the dreams he'd had and his reaction to them sent him in a brooding mood.

He'd never believed erotic dreams could be considered a nightmare. But when you woke up day after day all hot and bothered after dreaming of your sort-of-friend and partner in crime doing things to you that made you curl your toes with satisfaction, that's what the dreams became. A nightmare that continued while you were awake.

He sighed again, closed his eyes for a second, gathering the strength to get up and face the day.

He took a quick cold shower, a routine these days, and set off towards Jam Pony.

"Bip bip bip," he heard before he managed to get through the door. Normal being his normal self again.

It cheered him up a bit when he remembered Sketchy's reaction when he had seen Max and him at the strip club, thinking Max was working there. And then he remembered Max hitting his head and his face became somber again.

"Hey, Golden boy, I have a package for you."

"Be right up," he said and walked to his locker. He'd hoped Max was either late or gone already with a delivery, but he had no luck.

"Hey," she greeted him rather politely. He eyed OC standing next to her, but she just observed him with her amused grin.

"So, Maxie … what did we do last night? In case I meet Logan, you know," he grinned wickedly. "Did we get down and dirty or were we just relaxing, watching a chick flick from before the Pulse?"

She pierced him with a glare. "Shut up."

"What?" he lifted his arms. "Just trying to help here."

"Well, don't."

Max closed her locker and left.

"You deserved it," OC said once Max was out of hearing distance, looking at him reproachfully.

"Why? I have to pretend I'm her boyfriend and I can't have any fun? That's not fair."

"Look, she has her own problems and you're just adding to them," she said calmly.

Alec's eyes turned dark and he smiled humorlessly. "Even when I'm doing her a favor, I'm still the problem, eh?"

OC eyed him for a few seconds before saying, "You know that's not it."

"The hell it isn't." He closed the locker door a little too loudly and Max turned to look at him. She seemed sad. Well, he had nothing to smile about either.

"I could offer her the Disney ending and she'd still think of me as a problem."

"Huh?"

"You know what she said when I got arrested?"

OC just waited for him to continue.

"She believed that I did it." Alec looked away from Max and turned back to Cindy. "She actually believed I could kill someone in cold blood."

"Maybe she was just mad …"

Alec shook his head vehemently. "No, I saw it in her eyes. She thinks I'm a cold-blooded killer." He lowered his voice at his last words so people around them wouldn't hear.

He stared after Max as she left the place, his expression unreadable.

"That's what she thinks I am," he repeated, before he suddenly came back from his daze and shrugged. "Ah, well, can't have it all," he grinned crookedly as if nothing had happened.

OC wanted to say something, but he was gone before she could form a sentence.

--

It was a long day and at seven when he was finally free to go, he felt an exhaustion that was quite unexplainable for a transgenic.

"Going clubbing again?" Normal called after him eagerly to see if he could join him now that he got into all that twofers excitement.

"No," Alec waved his hand. "I'll probably just grab a beer at Crash."

"Oh," disappointed, Normal returned behind his counter.

The last thing Alec needed was being reminded of that night at the strip club. Of how she sat in his lap, pretending she was a working girl, and how he imagined the situation were different and her painful touches were loving caresses. But that only happened in his dreams, never in real life. He thought of how grateful he was that she never really paid any attention to him unless strictly necessary, because when she had gotten up from his lap, his 'situation' was very noticeable and he knew it would mean his death if she'd seen it.

After showering he set off towards Crash. He was tired and in a dark mood, but staying at home alone would only intensify the feeling.

And there was a whole another torture waiting for him at the bar. At the same time he hoped Logan would be there, because then Max would act as if they were dating and God knew how much he craved her closeness. But he also dreaded it. Because every time she touched him, sat next to him, smiled at him, he acutely felt that was not intended for him, he was not supposed to be there, it was Logan's place by her side, not his. Never his.

He groaned quietly as he pushed open the door to Crash and walked into the crowd. It was Friday and that meant the place was full to the roof top. He scanned the crowd and found what he was looking for.

Max was sitting with OC and Sketchy at a table close to the bar. He sauntered their way, plastering a smirk on his face, fearing that his tired face muscles would give in under the strain.

Half way there he noticed their beer pitcher was nearly empty and he stopped at the bar to get a new one.

"What's cooking?" He placed the pitcher down as Max scowled at him and OC said nothing. Sketchy was already plastered and was mumbling something about a report he was working on.

Alec sat down and made a sip of the beer before saying to Max, "You might wanna look more nicely at me as I've just spotted your ex-not-like-that boyfriend by the door."

She turned frantically, and true to his words, she saw Logan walk in, searching the crowd unsurely. When he saw her, he waved with a small smile and then let his hand drop to his side seeing Alec with her.

"Don't make it more difficult than it already is," she said stiffly to Alec as she moved her chair closer to his.

"I'm sorry if it's so tremendously hard to even pretend you like me. Should I go get killed, maybe pretending you're mourning would be easier?" he suggested with venom in his voice.

OC watched them dispassionately, wondering how – with all their uber sensitivity and extra skills – Manticore could mess up so badly and make them such fools.

"Jerk," Max spat at him and then smiled angelically when Logan reached their table.

She placed a hand on Alec's thigh and his fingers itched to swat her off, but he knew he wouldn't be doing himself a favor. No matter how pissed he was at her he still couldn't go against her wishes.

"Hey," Logan greeted them awkwardly.

"Hey, Logie bear, how's life these days?" Alec quipped.

"Er … fine, thank you."

"Want to join us?" Max asked.

Alec could hear the fear in her voice and it hurt him terribly to see her so crushed. Maybe he was being a jerk for joking about Logan when she obviously loved him so deeply.

"No, that's okay," Logan said. "Have you seen Asha? She was supposed to meet me here."

"No, I haven't," Max chocked out.

Instinctively, Alec slid his hand to cover hers on his thigh. He wanted to gather her in his arms and tell her it would be all right. But who was he kidding? It would never be all right, not when their lives were so messed up.

Trying to be subtle, she pulled her hand from underneath his. He offered her a crooked smile, refusing to show her how hurt he was. Was she so repulsed by him she couldn't stand him to touch her? Dear God, what did he get himself into?

"I'll go wait for her at the bar, then."

"You go do that," OC said none too friendly, sick of the tension around the table.

Max threw her a pointed look, but she just shrugged. Her patience had its limits.

Logan walked away without another word.

"What was that for?" Max said sharply and at first Alec thought she was speaking to OC, but then he saw she was glaring at him.

"What?"

"Don't you ever touch me again," she continued.

"I was just trying to be supportive," he said, not knowing how else to explain it without making a complete fool of himself.

"You disgust me," she hissed.

He stared at her disbelievingly. That was just too much. He was prepared to take a lot of crap from her simply because he was crazily in love with her, but seeing the hatred in her eyes, her cutting words … He felt like a huge abyss opened up inside him, swallowing his heart, making him feel terribly empty. Utterly alone.

"Oh," was all he could manage and even that seeped through some of his hurting.

He thought he wouldn't even be able to stand up and walk away, so crushed he felt. But his transgenic DNA helped this time and forced his legs to make the steps needed to get to the door, forced his eyes to stare straight ahead, not to look back.

Once outside, he realized he hadn't been breathing and he inhaled the damp night air forcefully, feeling how it filled up the void in him, as he leaned onto the peeling wall of the back alley.


	2. Chapter 2

"It wasn't nice of you to bail on me last night," came the voice from behind his back as he put his bag into the locker

AN: Thank you all for your nice reviews. I really appreciate it. Here's the second chapter. I must say I have no idea where this story is headed.

--

"It wasn't nice of you to bail on me last night," came the voice from behind his back as he put his bag into the locker.

Alec gritted his teeth but was determined to stay calm. "Sorry, wasn't in the mood."

He turned to face Max. She seemed angry and he really didn't want to deal with her right now.

"I thought we had a deal," she hissed and made a step closer to him to move out of the way of one of the girls at Jam Pony.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you have a deal when both partners get something out of it. Now, what was it that I was getting out of this 'deal'?" Alec said in an even voice.

She stomped her foot a little. "But you promised!"

"I wouldn't have if I knew you'd treat me like crap despite me doing you a favor," he spat and wanted to pass her, but she stepped in his path.

"Alec …"

"Not now," he swatted away her hand as she tried to stop him.

She tried again, "Wait."

"Max, this is not the time nor the place to discuss this," he said angrily and unceremoniously pushed past her and walked to the counter, for the first time happy to deliver a package just so he could get away from her.

The day only became worse after the morning. He got attacked by a dog, yelled at by a customer, and was twice left without a tip. When the shift finished he was about ready to throttle the next human or not so human being to approach him. His expression was clear enough and everybody avoided him as he left Jam Pony to head home. Even Max didn't want to provoke him.

He showered and ate a pizza without enjoying it. But the few beers afterwards helped him relax while he stared at the flickering images on TV. If someone asked him what he was watching he honestly didn't have a clue, but the images flashing past his eyes were a distraction enough to keep him from thinking.

When he heard the knock on the door all his previous tension returned. He didn't want to be disturbed, he wanted to be left alone.

The second time the knock sounded more impatient.

"What?" he yelled at the door, but got no reply.

Groaning he stood up and went to open the door. He found Max leaning against the door frame, trying to look nonchalant.

"What?" he repeated, more quietly but with the same fierceness in his voice.

"I thought maybe now would be the time?" she said in a surprisingly timid voice for her. For a second he wondered whether she did that intentionally to get to him so he'd let her in. He knew her skills of manipulation well enough to doubt her sincerity.

As she walked into the room, he closed the door behind her. He returned to the couch and sat down, staring at the TV as if Max weren't there.

Miffed by his behavior she said bitingly, "I came here to talk."

He shrugged. "Then talk."

"With you," she said pointedly.

"I have nothing to say."

His forehead creasing in stubborn concentration he refused to move his eyes from the TV.

"But I have. Will you look at me?" Her voice was higher than usual and she feared she sounded hysterical.

Very slowly, almost like he was deliberately trying to annoy her, he turned his head and turned his narrow eyes on her. He stared at her, without a word, till she became uncomfortable.

"I …" Her voice wavered.

To buy some time she walked to the couch and sat down as far away from him as possible. He looked like an animal that was about to pounce on its prey. She didn't want to be in his reach.

"I think it's agreed that I'm a bitch," she suddenly said.

It took him by surprise. No accusations, no insults. That was a change. A nice one, but still too surprising not to make him wary. Where was she heading with this?

"More so lately," she continued unfazed. "Things haven't been exactly easy with the virus and now this paranoia that's spreading through the streets. Too many things are happening at once and I just … it's hard to handle it."

"You don't have to handle it alone," he said in a slightly friendlier tone.

"I know," she said and lowered her eyes to her lap. "But sometimes I forget." Her voice was quiet.

"What?" He turned off the TV and turned slightly towards her, leaning with his arm onto the back of the couch. She looked tiny in that corner, almost as if trying to hide between the pillows.

"That you're on my side." She looked at him again and her eyes were apologetic. "I'm so used to being alone that I sometimes forget that you're on my side. OC, Joshua … my smart alec." She grinned a little.

That 'my' didn't escape him but she didn't seem to notice anything strange about it.

"And so I get carried away in my little world and I let my hatred and defensiveness get the better of me. When I yell at you … it's not like … I mean, it's hard to explain," she gave up.

"It doesn't seem so hard to me," he said bitterly. "I get it that you don't like me. That's fine." Only it isn't, he thought. "But it pisses me off when you're using me to your benefit and you're at the same time treating me like shit."

"Using you? I'm not using you. I thought you agreed to help me out," she said irked. "I asked a friend for a favor and you agreed to it."

"A friend?" he repeated with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, a friend." She was annoyed with his unwillingness to understand. "I trust you and I consider you my friend."

"Oh! Is that so?" he said faking amazement. "Only days ago you believed I was a cold-blooded murderer. That I pulled a guy's teeth from his head. You believed that I intentionally didn't show up to help a dying Logan because I couldn't care less about the guy. Yesterday you said I disgusted you," he tried replicating her disdainful face as she'd said it. "I may lack the awareness of the more subtle human relations due to having been raised by Manticore, but I'm pretty sure a friend doesn't disgust you and you don't accuse them of crimes so gruesome that make your skin crawl."

"Well, I'm sorry! How should I know it was Ben? The DNA matched!"

"A tiny DNA sequence wouldn't come in between real friends," he growled.

"What do you want me to do? Beg for forgiveness? It was my mistake, I admit it. Now, can we move on?" she nearly yelled and her voice resonated through the small room.

There was a long silence where she wished she hadn't come sit on the couch and kept the distance between them instead.

"Yeah, _can_ we move on?" he asked slowly, staring in her eyes, making her breath hitch for a second with his intense gaze.

The repeated question dazed her with the whole new meaning. She didn't know what to say. Didn't know what Alec expected her to say. By the way he was looking at her almost eerily calm, she decided he wanted an honest answer.

"You know what I see when I look at you?" she asked instead of answering.

A whole series of disturbing and painful answers flashed through his mind: jerk, assassin, moron, good-for-noting, screw-up …

He took a deep breath and forced himself not to think.

"I see me," she said softly, taking him by surprise. His double take made her smile a little.

She fidgeted with the zipper of her jacket while forming her next words. "I wanted to believe we're nothing alike because … let's face it, you're not exactly an angel."

He interrupted with a puppy-eyed "No?" but didn't get more than an unamused grimace from her.

"When I told you about Ben I realized something."

The pause stretched so long he thought he'd have to ask her, but eventually she started again. He could see it wasn't easy for her to say the next words and maybe that made him ease up on her. Or maybe it was just that he'd always had a soft spot for her.

"I'd have been exactly the same as you if I didn't escape. I would've been a soldier programmed to carry out Manticore missions, regardless of the consequences and costs. That was what we were all destined to become. And I know you needed time to get used to the life on the outside and I know I didn't make it easy for you, instead of helping I was harping on about every possible fault I could find about you."

"I guess I deserved some of it," he said yieldingly.

"Yeah, you did," she willingly agreed, thankful that he broke the tense, pensive mood. Quickly, before he could protest, she added, "But I could've backed off from time to time."

Next, neither of them knew what to say. Max zipped and unzipped her jacket, he played with the remote in his hands, pouting.

"So … we've moved on? We're friends?" she finally asked.

He lifted his eyes to her and she was surprised by the painful expression that lurked just below his grin.

"Friends," he said.

When she moved awkwardly on the edge of the couch and looked away again, he wondered what else was bothering her. He found out soon enough.

"So … do we still have a deal?" she asked guiltily.

"You mean – me doing you a favor?" he corrected her with a grin. Maybe being her friend would be enough, Alec thought hopefully. He'd rather have her as a friend than not at all. Maybe that was best for both of them.

Her eyes twinkled with mischief but she hid it with a scowl. "Whatever."

"Or are you willing to make a real deal?" he challenged her, knowing already he'd live to regret it. But he just couldn't stop himself.

She looked at him suspiciously. What was he getting at?

"Well …" he started slowly, still grinning. "We _are_ dating so it would be only appropriate we went out sometime."

Her eyes widened, but he considered it a good sign she didn't refuse him right away.

"Why?"

"Oh, you know, I don't want people to think I turned into a couch potato and gave up the dating scene and since I can't go out with anyone else …" he smirked.

She didn't seem entirely convinced. "Fine. One … date. And no fooling around," she pointed her finger at him.

She stood up, smoothing her jacket. "I better get going," she gestured towards the door.

"See you tomorrow, then." He grinned wickedly. "Love."

She scowled at him as she reached the door. "Watch it."

"Just rehearsing for Logan's benefit," he chuckled. She growled before she left through the door and closed it behind her.

He stared at the door for a few seconds, then he closed his eyes and his head fell back. He groaned. Great! What did he need this for? Instead of getting out of the deal he was now even more deeply in it.

He got up and walked into his bedroom. He stopped at the door, staring at the bed. He sighed. Here we go, he thought. Undoubtedly he'd dream of her again. The smell of her hair, her full lips kissing him, the outline of her delicate ear, her warm eyes. Her skin on his. Feeling her weight on top of him. The heat of her touch.

He groaned.

Enter sandman.


	3. Chapter 3

"I mean … I know you love the guy

AN: Thanks once again for your comments.

AN2: Please, don't forget that this story is written from Alec's point of view and Max's actions are also interpreted from this point of view. So don't hate her, she'll explain herself in a little while.

--

Despite the fear that he was going to regret helping Max in misleading Logan, the next few days passed without any major shocks. Max seemed to have taken his words to heart and was now treating him more nicely and with respect. OC accepted this with amused smirking that he didn't quite know how to interpret.

Apart from that nothing much seemed to have changed. Normal was still a pain in the neck and now he added hatred towards the 'freaks' to his repertoire. In general, the unrest on the streets was escalating, people were starting a war against the transgenics.

Alec knew Max felt responsible for the situation. He tried telling her several times that it was not her fault that people were ignorant and afraid. But she just couldn't forgive herself.

One night at Crash, she was very close to breaking down. Alec was sitting at a table with OC and Max, when Logan joined them. He refused to even look at Alec, he had eyes only for Max. Unfortunately, his words were intended for Max too. He reminded her of the situation as if she hadn't been well aware of it. And even after OC and Alec tried to steer the conversation into less stormy waters, he kept returning to the topic of sightings of transgenics on the streets and the public's reactions to them. It seemed like he was desperately trying to make her feel guilty about it like it was her fault.

Alec could see Max pale visibly, she was biting her lower lip. He couldn't understand Logan. He kept claiming he loved Max and yet he was deliberately causing her pain. To Alec that didn't sound all that logical.

OC rolled her eyes when Logan wasn't looking and Alec ran out of ideas how to distract the older guy.

Suddenly, he stood up and turned to Max. "Hey, Max, I'm tired. Wanna go home, hit the sack?"

She blinked at him, confused, slightly offended, till she grasped the meaning of his words, of his action.

Stammering, she agreed. "S-sure. I'm tired too."

Alec gleefully noticed now Logan was the pale one now and he could see the guy gritting his teeth. Alec didn't only rescue Max from Logan's griping, he also managed to make him jealous as hell. He couldn't have imagined a better ending to the day.

Of course, he was still going to have to listen to Max's scolding for behaving like he was her 'true' boyfriend, but he could handle that.

After saying goodbye to OC and an angry Logan, he escorted her out the door, loosely hugging her around her shoulders. Once outside, she disengaged from his hug and turned to look at him.

Her face looked tired and he felt an unfamiliar pain inside. He wanted to make it all better for her, but he was the last person who could do that. And the man that could help her had actually caused her suffering. He could strangle Logan for upsetting her. Like she hadn't already had too much to worry about.

"Alec …"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm a jerk for making Logan jealous …"

"Thank you," she interrupted him and he fell silent, a dumbfound expression on his face that made her smile a little.

"What?" he wasn't certain he'd heard her right and he didn't want to make any conclusions before he was sure.

"I didn't want to simply leave because I was afraid I would offend him. So thanks for stepping in." She pulled her sleeves over her hands as she wrapped her jacket tighter around her.

"No problem," he said hesitantly. "Anytime."

"I'll just … head home," she pointed over her shoulder to where she'd parked her bike.

"Want me to …?"

"No, I'm fine. Just need a good night's sleep. See you tomorrow."

And she was gone. He stared after her small silhouette as she disappeared into the darkness of the alley. In his chest, where he supposed his heart was, he felt a warmth spreading, a soft feeling that he hadn't experienced before. He thought about it for a while until he finally recognized what it was. Hope.

He too slept well that night. No dreams, no painful longing when he woke up. Although his mind was restless, trying to come up with a plan how to achieve the goal he'd set himself. He was more confident than ever that it was reachable.

Alec planned to remind Max of her promise she'd go on a date with him on Saturday. He was determined to insist till she agreed.

Things didn't turn out the way he'd planned, though.

He was late for work on Friday, but that was all right, he was Normal's Golden boy after all. If only he knew he was nourishing a viper in his bosom, Alec chuckled as he walked into Jam Pony.

He apologized sweetly as he passed Normal because he could turn out to be of use someday.

When he reached his locker he saw Max sitting on the bench just out of Normal's view, hiding so he wouldn't spot her and send her on an errand.

"Hey," she greeted him. She had been quiet for the past two days, not mentioning that night at Crash.

"Hey. Everything all right?" She seemed preoccupied with something.

"Yeah."

She kept staring at her hands, fidgeting with her gloves.

"Sure?"

She was much too subdued for Max. Something must be wrong.

She didn't answer him right away. After a few seconds, she stood up and stepped over the bench so she was standing right in front of him. He closed the locker door, staring at her, her face just a few inches away.

"Alec …"

With the long pauses, furrowed brow, and fidgeting she was beginning to scare him. He feared something terrible had happened to Logan or Joshua, or that she'd finally reached her limit and was breaking down under the pressure and stress.

He moved his hand to place it on her shoulder as she spoke again.

"Remember when you said I have to go on a date with you …"

He remembered how he'd decided to insist on that date. He saw now how unfair that would be of him. If she didn't want to go out with him, he couldn't pressure her into it, he couldn't do that to her. She had every right not to want to go out with him. He briefly closed his eyes, thinking he'd been planning things too far ahead again.

"Can we go out tonight?"

He opened his eyes right in time to see Max biting her lower lip again, a nervous gesture.

"What? Are you sure?" What was going on? he wondered.

She paused shortly. "Yeah, I think I'm sure."

"Oh … Ok, then. Sure. Where do you wanna go?"

She shrugged. "I didn't think it through that far," she said awkwardly.

Was Max blushing in front of him? Right after she invited him on a date? Wait, did he hit his head and was dreaming this up in his unconsciousness? He seemed to have lost his touch with reality. But no, no, this must be the real thing, surely he'd feel some pain if he'd hit his head? Or maybe not? Anyway …

"How about a movie and dinner at my place? A pre-Pulse romantic comedy, maybe?" he wiggled his eyebrows at her and grinned.

She made a face. Good old Max was back. "Don't be ridiculous. You can choose the movie, though. Just …"

"No romantic comedies. Got it," he chuckled.

"And this is just part of the deal. Don't get any ideas …" she said in a rather lame attempt at severity.

"Wouldn't dream of it," he grinned widely.

She frowned, obviously doubting her decision to ask him out, but then she seemed to let it go.

"Eight?"

"Sure, I'll have dinner ready."

She gave him a small smile before she turned and walked away, hurling a nasty reply at Normal when he complained about her being late _and_ lazy.

Alec skipped towards the counter. He had a date!

He made sure he got the best steaks available. He used all his expertise to prepare delicious gravy to go with the meat. He knew Logan would serve wine with steaks as was proper, but he opted for beer instead.

When she commented on his choice, saying that she'd been expecting a bottle of ridiculously expensive wine, he said the only thing he could think of, "I'm not Logan."

"I know."

She'd said it in a way he couldn't quite interpret. Instead of asking whether that was a good or bad thing, he said, "Don't you like it?"

She knew what he was asking when she lifted her eyes from the plate to his face. "I love it," she said with a smirk.

He smiled. "Good. That's good."

"I like the steak too, it's delicious. So tender and juicy." She closed her eyes, savoring the taste of her meal, and he chuckled at her obvious pleasure.

"I didn't know you could cook," she said, looking at him again, making a sip of the cold beer.

He shrugged, leaning back, pushing his empty plate away. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

He observed her, reading the challenge in her eyes. Lately, she had never been like this. She was relaxed and warm and nice, all the tension and worry seemed to be forgotten, or at least temporarily deferred. With this new attitude towards him it was like they were starting over, like there was no past between them. Were they starting over? he wondered. But he was too scared of the answer to ask her. He'd gone from a trained assassin to a wuss within a few months, he thought derisively and winced.

"You know what," he said, leaning towards her, offering her a challenge in return, "you tell me what you know about me and I'll tell you what you don't."

"Fair enough." She leaned back in her chair, lifting her eyes up to the ceiling with the peeling plaster. "Well, apart from the Manticore stuff which I obviously know from my own experience, I also know that you're an impossible flirt, sometimes very irresponsible and careless, but when it comes to the important stuff you're generally reliable. You're always getting into trouble so I have to save your ass times and again. But then again, you did save my ass a few times. You're a sexist. And although you'd never admit it, I know you love Joshua as family."

The whole time he kept watching her amused. "You're quite to the mark, except for that sexist thing …"

"Right." She rolled her eyes.

He chuckled.

"So?" she prompted him when he didn't start right away.

"Hm … let me see. The things you _don't_ know … I'm a quick learner, I prefer dogs to cats – and I'm not speaking of the animal DNA in us. I like sports and I like to read biographies although I know you won't believe me. And also, Manticore – for all its evilness – taught me a lot of things, like playing the piano, cooking …"

"Assassinations."

He winced at the short, cold word, his face shut down, the smile vanishing so quickly it was like it had never been there.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to say that," she said regretfully, lowering her eyes.

"It's okay," he said hoarsely, although it wasn't.

Silence filled the small room and Alec didn't know whether she wanted to leave or stay. He tried anyway.

"Want to watch the movie now?" It was there in his voice, he knew she could hear it. The insecurity, the fear. He hated it. She was the only person that could make him feel that way, unsure of himself, flawed, guilty of not being Logan.

She walked to the living room, he followed her, staring at her back, wondering why she'd said it. To hurt him? To put him in his place? Or did it just slip out like she said? Hardly, Max didn't let things slip.

He pressed the Play button as he joined her on the couch. He'd chosen a romantic drama with a twist, but he now regretted the choice. The evening wasn't going the way he'd hoped for and he was afraid she'd get mad at him for deliberately going against her wishes in his movie choice.

She didn't say anything as she watched a woman cheat on her husband with another woman. Her face was pensive when the two women realized it was more than a fling or experiment, that they actually belonged together.

Alec watched _her_ rather than the movie. He already knew that the good guy was left empty handed, or better – broken-hearted. He wondered, though, whether Max was really watching or was she in another world somewhere, a private space he'd never be allowed to have a peek into.

"I have to say I'm surprised by your choice," she said pensively as the film ended.

"You only prohibited comedies, this was a drama," he defended himself with a smirk.

"I meant it in a good way. It was a good movie. Had a point."

He lifted his eyebrow at her.

"You know …"

He slowly shook his head, wondering what she'd say.

"True love and all," she rolled her eyes when he forced her to say it out loud.

"How?"

"What do you mean?"

"How does a movie about true love have a point?"

She looked at him with the lack of understanding. "Isn't that what life is supposed to be about? Finding your … 'soulmate' and living together happily ever after?" she mocked, obviously trying to hide her embarrassment at discussing this with him.

"So you believe in that?" he asked curious. He leaned into the couch, watching her intensely.

"Don't you?"

He didn't know what to tell her. "I'm not sure Manticore made us for that."

"Forget that, Manticore's gone. If you found your true love, wouldn't you want to spend the rest of your life with her?"

"I guess," he forced past the lump in his throat.

"Yeah, me too," she suddenly said softly, her eyes looked like she were far away. With Logan.

"But what if that's not possible?" He decided to risk it, there was no point in beating about the bush with Max, she'd read his thoughts anyway.

"I mean … I know you love the guy. But what's the point?"

"The point?" she looked at him almost dreamily, like she'd just woken up from a dream.

"Yeah, what's the point in torturing yourself when you know you can't be with him. Get over your guilt, it was Manticore that fucked up, not you. You couldn't have known they gave you the virus."

"What are you trying to say?" Her eyes were more focused now. Focused, he thought reassured, not angry. Yet. And she didn't even sound pissed as he'd thought she would.

So he continued, pushing his luck. "I'm trying to say that you should stop forcing yourself to love him just because you feel guilty. Let go. Don't hang on to a relationship that's not even possible just because you think you owe it to him. You don't."

For a long moment no one spoke. Alec was getting ready to have his head ripped off, or some other vital part of his anatomy. He almost didn't dare breathe so as not to remind her he was there right next to her. But she seemed like she wasn't paying him any attention. Well, at least there's nothing new there, he thought.

"So basically, what you're saying is that I don't love him?" she finally asked, her voice sounded sort of amazed, but that couldn't be. That was not the right feeling to see it connected to her words. She should be furious, appalled, distressed. Wanting to kick his ass.

And yet she was staring at him devoid of any feelings, of any thoughts. Just staring.

"I … I didn't mean to suggest that … I was just saying that you should be certain whether you were doing what you were doing for the right reasons …"

"Reasons?" she repeated absent-mindedly. She looked so confused and small, sitting only a foot from him, her fingers sliding up and down her jeans in a distracted gesture. She seemed lost.

"Reasons for sticking with him," he said helpfully and a bit unsure of whether it had been right to start this topic, but she didn't seem to hear him.

"I didn't mean to upset you," he told her the truth and she finally looked at him again.

And smiled.

Alec didn't know how to react, he felt like he was falling, and falling … out of his world, out of the things he'd known and been so sure of. Nothing seemed familiar anymore, nothing was in its place. Not even Max's contempt for him.

He didn't know what got into him. Or maybe he did. Maybe it was that surge of hope he felt again, triggered by her smile, so unexpected and so right. But then again, maybe it was simply his need for adrenaline, his need to risk his life just to feel alive.

He leaned forward, his eyes lowering to her lips. Her tongue darted out and licked her lower lip. He felt a craving inside, so strong he couldn't think anymore. He pressed his lips against hers, softly at first, gliding gently across her mouth, gauging her reaction. She pulled back for a fraction and his heart stopped. But then she pressed against him, kissing him more firmly, more warmly. Her hand went to his cheek as she leaned forward, pressing her mouth to his with full force.

He was taken aback by her ardent response. His heart was hammering in his chest as he pulled her closer, his hand on her back, till she was pressed flush against him. He could feel her warmth through her clothes, on his lips, on his cheek. She felt so soft and supple. So his.

Alarm bells went off in his head at his last thought, but he ignored them. She was kissing him back, she was melting in his arms, nearly crawling into his lap.

Then suddenly, she wasn't anymore … kissing him back, melting in his arms, moving into his lap. He felt coldness in her place.

He forced himself to open his eyes. Her face was just inches away, her expression miles. He stared at her, trying to see something in her eyes, something that would convince him she didn't regret it, that she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

She slowly pulled further back, her eyes focusing on him, suddenly scowling. Then she got up, saying nothing, stepping to the armchair and picking up her jacket.

She didn't even turn to look at him as she walked out and closed the door behind her.

He didn't want to move, trying to stay numb, detached, indifferent. And failing miserably. He should've known this was a bad idea.

He stared at the door through which she vanished, hating his life, himself, his stupid hope. Hating the fact that he loved her.


	4. Chapter 4

He pressed his lips against hers, softly at first, gliding gently across her mouth, gauging her reaction

AN: Well, this is the last chapter. I want to thank you for going on this short journey with me. I had fun writing this story although I never knew where and how it would end. Hope you enjoyed it too.

--

He pressed his lips against hers, softly at first, gliding gently across her mouth, gauging her reaction. He was taken aback by her ardent response. Then suddenly, she wasn't anymore … kissing him back, melting in his arms, moving into his lap. He felt coldness in her place. She didn't even turn to look at him as she walked out and closed the door behind her. He stared at the door through which she vanished, hating his life, himself, his stupid hope. Hating the fact that he loved her.

He didn't know how much time had passed, but he knew he had to move. He couldn't sit on the couch the whole night. Although, he probably wouldn't even notice it if he did.

He trudged to the bathroom. He turned on the shower and pulled his t-shirt over his head, throwing it onto the floor. In the sink, he washed his face, his mouth, washing away her taste. He couldn't bear it, not after she ran away from him like that, like she couldn't stand his touch. There was a tightening in his chest that he wished the cold shower would wash away too.

As he turned towards the shower he saw something move in the mirror.

He spun around, ready to attack the intruder.

"M …Max?"

"Don't kick me just yet," she said with a tentative smile, holding her hands up defensively.

"What … I thought … you left."

She shrugged. "I wanted to. But couldn't."

"Huh?" And he'd thought earlier she didn't make much sense. Who knew she could make even less sense.

"Could we talk?" she said, her eyes flicking to the running water that made it hard to hear each other's words.

He reached out and turned the tap off.

She turned and walked out of the bathroom. He followed her out, forgetting that he left his t-shirt on the floor.

"Ahem …" She didn't turn to look at him and Alec winced because he sensed what this was about.

"Look, I'm sorry. About before. I don't know what got into me," he said in a low voice. He knew exactly what got into him but it was not like explaining it to her would make things better. Quite the contrary.

"What?" she faced him. "No, don't apologize."

"No?" He looked at her wide-eyed. "I thought you're here to kick my ass for kissing you."

"I said I wanted to talk not kick your ass, didn't I?" she said slightly annoyed.

"Oh." Since when did Max let an opportunity to kick his ass pass?

"You see, the thing is …" It seemed like she had a hard time saying what she wanted to say.

"Oh, this is so stupid!" she stomped her foot, clenching fists at her sides.

"What? What's going on, Max?"

"It's just that … it'll turn out that you were right," she grumbled resentfully.

"Huh? I shouldn't be right? And what exactly are you talking about?"

"You're not supposed to be right. You're supposed to be a jerk, an idiot that's making my life difficult, yet easier. But you're not and I can't take it."

Alec plopped down onto his couch. This was too much. "As you mentioned –" he pointed to himself – "an idiot here. So would you mind explaining what all this is about because I feel like I just fell from another planet. I don't have a clue what you're talking about."

She made a few steps closer, then paused before she lowered herself down onto his coffee table, facing him.

She took a deep breath before she started. "You and I … we're friends, right?" He nodded, unsure where this was going.

"And friends don't … they don't get romantically involved."

He wanted to say something, but he swallowed the words instead.

"See, that was my safety net. That and the fact that you were pissing me off any chance you got. So I figured, a guy that annoys me like that and who is basically a friend – I can't really like him, can I? I mean like him like _that_."

"Still no clue," he said exasperated, combing his hair with his fingers. Would this night never end?

"And there's Logan," she continued unperturbed by his comment. "That's where you turn out to be right. I'm not saying I've never loved him. I did, in a way …"

"Did?" he interrupted.

She scowled at him. "Will you let me finish?"

He raised his hands in defeat.

"But you were right – after the virus I just thought I owed it to him to be by his side even when I actually couldn't be physically by his side. Being with him made me feel less guilty, less of a traitor."

She paused, picking at an imaginary speck on her jeans. She was silent for a long time and Alec waited for her to continue when she was ready.

"There was another reason why I insisted on staying with Logan – the same reason I wanted to believe you were a jerk."

She lifted her eyes to him and surprisingly, her eyes seemed calm, composed. Nothing like her confused words.

"I had to believe you were a jerk and I had to be with Logan, because otherwise the world as I've known it would vanish. I would've fallen for you in a heartbeat and I couldn't let that happen."

Alec leaned forward, his face only inches from hers. What was she saying?

"Why not?"

"Because …" She looked up at the ceiling, searching for words. "As you said, I thought I owed it to Logan, and sometimes you still remind me of Ben, the good Ben not the … the …"

She didn't finish. "And I was also afraid that if we crossed that line of friendship and things went wrong we could never go back to being friends."

She looked him in the eyes. Her gaze was worried and sad.

"I was afraid," she whispered.

Did this mean Logan was out of the picture?

"Are you sure guilt was what tied you to Logan? Not love?"

She lowered her eyes and nodded almost imperceptibly. She answered his question about how she could be certain before he even posed it. "When you kissed me … it was nothing like with Logan."

He cleared his throat. "In a good or bad way?"

She grinned. "It was … consuming. And wild."

"Really?" he grinned widely.

"Yeah," she said pensively, almost sadly.

He pondered on her reaction. "You make it sound like that's wrong."

She looked at him surprised. "I didn't mean … It wasn't wrong, it was just unexpected and a wake up call and it caught me by surprise and I didn't know what to do. I was frightened by my reaction to you …"

She shrugged.

"You know, I don't get scared easily," she said and he rolled his eyes at her.

"But this terrified me and I thought the only smart thing to do was to run. I'm good at that, running."

Alec leaned back, watching her. She kept staring at the floor, fidgeting with her gloves. No one spoke for a long time.

Until Alec came to a conclusion that all this seemed to be a good thing. Confusing as hell, but good.

"Let me get this straight. You needed me to be a jerk so you could pretend you didn't like me and that you liked Logan, which you actually didn't. So when I stopped annoying you and when I kissed you … you actually realized that you liked me? And that's why you ran, making me feel the biggest dickhead on the planet?"

"Something like that," she smiled.

"Hm."

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I just panicked," she said, serious again. "I didn't really think about it till I got home. When the truth struck me, I was like in a daze, I couldn't believe this was happening. I couldn't believe it was possible, although, deep down, I think I've known it for a while."

"Known what?"

"That I couldn't go on with Logan like that and that I … liked you more than I was prepared to admit."

He hadn't thought he'd ever hear her say that, so he hadn't known how he'd feel about it. And now he knew. It was like he'd finally found his place. There was someone who liked him, who cared about him. Actually, not just someone, it was Max. A woman who made him feel all sorts of things, some of those emotions were familiar, some he couldn't recognize or understand. And from her reactions, he figured Max too was just beginning to learn about this, struggling with the revelation, the new feelings.

"You like me, huh?"

She actually blushed a bit, before she nodded.

"Just to make sure … you like me like _that_ or …?"

"Can we not talk about it?" she huffed embarrassed.

"What else do you suggest we do?" he grinned at her. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest, spreading warmth throughout his body. He'd never felt anything like it – just pure contentedness, happiness even. There were other, more complicated emotions too, but he didn't want to waste his time trying to decipher them. There would be enough opportunities to do that later.

"Well, your kiss sort of made me see the light, so I was thinking maybe we should try it again in case I come up with some more revelations?" she grinned, her eyes sparkling, the tension and worry gone. Smiling like that, her face relaxed and playful, she was so beautiful it made him feel light-headed.

He understood that she didn't want to talk about it, it was too much for one night, they both had to do a lot of thinking before either of them would be ready for anything more. Kissing, on the other hand, couldn't hurt, right?

"I'm more than willing to help out," he grinned back, taking hold of her hand and pulling her from the table onto his lap. "But maybe kissing has its limits, you know, in regards to how much it can help with your 'enlightenment'. Maybe we should go a step further …" he teased her when she caught her balance, pressing a hand against his naked chest.

"Don't push your luck," she threatened.

And he didn't. He kissed her instead, reveling in the feel of her body against his and in her lips and hands on his skin. Finally, he felt all his pieces were gathered together again, he felt whole and … happy.

She took his breath away when she straddled him and pushed him back into the couch, kissing him roughly. God, he liked her bossy like that …

After that any thought was impossible, dozens of questions were left unasked and unanswered. But that was okay. He still had time to ask her some other day because he knew she would stick around. She wouldn't desert him again. Which was all that mattered.


End file.
